[Updated:Now with a recap ofBumblebee!]
I cannot afford any of them.
What is the difference between an Autobot and a Decepticon?
Who is Sentinel Prime?
Why would a robot incapable of reproducing sexually need a giant, swinging pair of testicles?
Dive in to these burning questions, and more, right here.
Image via Paramount Pictures
Like Krypton, but populated by sentient SUVs.
For years, the AllSpark rested, sitting dormant like a giant, useless art installation.
So, naturally, it attractsShia Labeouf.
Image via Paramount Pictures
Not a day later, the Camaro reveals itself as an Autobot named Bumblebee.
Which, as it turns out, is no accident.
In present day, Sam has the glasses, and therefore the coordinates, which attractseveryone.
Image via Paramount Pictures
A Decepticon named Frenzy hacks into the Pentagons mainframe, gleaning Sams whereabouts.
A fight between Autobot and Decepticon ensues over the fictional Mission City.
Thousands of extras whose names are not on the IMDB page are killed.
Transformersconcludes with Optimus Prime broadcasting a message into the galaxy for any Autobots still in hiding.
We are here, and we are waiting."
Hes lucky his open invitation doesnt lead to any further cataclysmic alien invasions and countless more deaths.
Image via Paramount Pictures
Haha no, it totally does.
Heres the explanation for…all that.
Originally, Cybertron was run by Seven Primes.
Image via Paramount Pictures
(They were good leaders, not good copywriters).
The Primes had one rule: check the planet for people before collecting that sweet, sweet Energon.
He was defeated by the six other Primes using an artifact called The Matrix of Leadership.
Which, if were being honest, makes the part where they sacrificed their bodies seem like overkill.
As fate would have it, that chance occurs two years after the events ofTransformers.
Just real off-the-grid stuff.
Image via Paramount Pictures
Just before move-in day, Sam brushes up against an AllSpark shard that was stuck in his jacket.
Naturally, this draws the Decepticons attention.
Alice is the only Transformer we see into a person.
Can they all do that?
Shouldnt the Decepticons do it a lotmore?
In the immediate confrontation, Megatron manages to murder Optimus Prime.
Image via Paramount Pictures
With Optimus dead, The Fallen returns to Earth and the Decepticons run amok.
One of them knocks over an American flag, like he doesnt even care about Democracy.
“The Cube is merely a vessel.
Image via Paramount Pictures
Sam manages to locate the Matrix, which immediately turns to dust in his hand.
The Matrix is not found, it is earned, they tell him.
Again, really does not seem like they had to kill themselves to effectively hide this thing.
Either way, Sam uses the Matrix, which totally works now, to reignite Optimus spark.
The Autobots leader bursts back to life and promptly puts his robo-fist through The Fallens face.
Its not even hard, to be frank.
Image via Paramount Pictures
Megatron and the remaining Decepticons flee.
Haha no, but they totally do.
Lets start on the moon.
Image via Paramount Pictures
Why anything, really?
What are we doing here?
How did this movie gross more than $1 billion worldwide?
All legitimate questions, lost to time.
Speaking of: The Ark, damaged in the battle below, crash-landed on our Moon in 1962.
In 1969, Apollo 11 retrieves Sentinel Primes body, along with five of his Pillars.
Image via Paramount Pictures
Dark of the Moonintroduces the idea that Decepticons have used human collaborators for decades.
One of them, Jerry Wang (Ken Jeong), works alongside Sam at his new job.
When that is through, the head Decepticon unveils the final piece of the puzzle: Sentinel Prime.
The elder Prime turns on his Autobot pals, siding with the Decepticons for the good of Cybertron.
Eventually, the Autobots return.
Optimus basically shrugs and says, Are you kidding?
We make so much money for Hasbro.
The head Autobot bests his old mentor Sentinel in a fight with the unlikely help of a jealous Megatron.
As thanks, Optimus proceeds to violently rip out his archnemesis robot spine.
These movies are marketed to children.
Dark of the Mooncomes to a conclusion on an uplifting note.
The day will never come where we forsake this planet, or its people, Optimus voiceover intones.
Haha no, we totally do.
Oh, also, theres everything else.
Labeufs Sam Witwicky is out, presumably living somewhere with Carlie and a hefty dose of PTSD.
In the five years sinceDark of the Moon, the human race has turned completely against the Transformers.
A black-ops CIA unit called Cemetery Wind publicly hunts Decepticons, while also low-key rounding up Autobots.
Cemetery Wind director Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer) sells Autobot parts to K.S.I.
Industries, where tech billionaire Joshua Joyce (Stanley Tucci) is developing his own brand of Transformers.
In the biggest missed opportunity in this entire franchise, he is not calling them iRobots.
The Creators leftjustenough behind for us to eventually buildRyan Seacrest, and dipped back to the stars forever.
In exchange, Cemetery Wind offered to hand over Lockdowns ultimate prize, Optimus Prime.
Injured and hiding, disguised as a dirtier-than-average semi-truck, in Cade Yeagers garage.
At the moment, Cade is preoccupied with making sure his 17-year-old daughter never goes on a single date.
I did not forget.
Not the entire time.
I’m totally legit.
Eventually, both Optimus and Tessa are taken aboard Lockdowns ship, The Knights Temenos.
Optimus Prime was a member, because honestly there is not much Optimus Prime was not a part of.
It would not shock me if the fifth Transformers confirms that Optimus Prime was actually the Biblical Jesus.
The businesss main project, Galvatron, reveals himself as Megatron reincarnated.
This movie does not).
“This message is to my Creators, he says.
Leave planet Earth alone.
Because I’m coming for you.”
Haha no, it…well, you know.
Every single line of dialogue contradicts a plot point from one of the prior movies.
Its just lights and colors.
It is two-and-a-half hours of white noise turned to 11.
I mean that literally.
So was Merlin the Wizard.
This film will gross one trillion dollars.
We begin in 484 AD, with the aforementioned King Arthur at war with the Saxons.
In my admittedly limited knowledge of British castles, this image was not recorded on one, single tapestry.
Events come to a head, and fast.
But first, every character in this film must switch allegiancesat leastonce.
This franchise will outlast us all.
The year is 1987.
Friends, it’s extremely unclear.
Whatisclear is that the Autobots are getting their tail pipes kicked by the villainous Decepticons and need to retreat.
This does not happen.
It should have, but doesnt.
This will remain Americas overall mindset for [checks notes] the rest of forever.
Eventually, siding with the massive deadly war machines over basic common sense backfires horribly for everyone.
Its a lovely movie, honestly.
(Read Matt Goldbergs full reviewhere.)
Fine with it all.Bumblebeerules.
Completely fine with that.
